Melt Down On Isle 3

The original Piggly Wiggly Store, Memphis, Ten...

Image via Wikipedia

Attention shoppers. Melt down on Isle 3!

I hate grocery shopping. I would rather have a root canal. Seriously. Wandering around in a big freezing cold warehouse full of packaged junk. Staring at impulse items that I wouldn’t feed my to neighbor’s yappy dog. Seasonal shelves of cheap junk made in China. The only way I can even remotely handle it is to turn it into a social experiment and opportunity for research. Proof that “you are what you eat” is right there in those shopping baskets everyday.

I like to approach if from 2 different angles. First I look at the baskets while trying to not observe the person pushing said basket. What’s in there? Instant potatoes, chips, cookies, frozen juice, cup-o-noodles, instant coffee, candy, mushy white bread, peanut butter and jelly swirled up in a cutesy, one jar approach. Nary a vegetable or anything resembling protein. Ok, now take a look at the person pushing this cart. Usually well on their way to obesity if not already there. They are sporting splotchy, icky looking skin. If there is a kid in the cart I will bet you cash money that kid has a runny nose, is whining, and sucking on something sweet. Half of it is smeared in the kid’s hair.

Now look at from the person perspective first and look at a person similar to the one I just described. I gay-run-tee you will find a pile of carb-loaded, pre-packed pseudo food, completely devoid of nutrition, in their basket.

And on to the vegan peoples. Basket full of veggies, roughage, expensive food supplements, and all-natural juice (squeezed in some third world country and fertilized with God only knows what.) Maybe it’s just me, but they always look sort of skinny and nervous. Just this side of taking flight if you yelled “Boo!” I read all those books about how you can supposedly combine this and that to come up with the same protein you get from meat. I’m don’t buy it anymore. Sounds too much like Alchemy to me. In a caldron, stir together equal parts aluminum, eye of newt, and pencil shavings and you get…Gold. Yea, alright, now that’s what I’m talking about.

It just doesn’t work for me. The traditional grocery store is a creepy and confusing place. Every aisle has a collection of things to eat that totally contradicts the premise of the food in the next aisle over. The Atkins diet, South Beach, Asian – soy is the answer to everything, salt free, Gluten free, Sugar Free, fresh never frozen, frozen to preserve freshness, blessed by Rabis, untouched by human hands. The whole place starts spinning and I want to run out to the parking lot to throw myself across the hood of my car. ***shrug*** Maybe I need therapy.

14 responses

  1. Hello,

    love you blog. I started writing a french blog about 2 months ago and I love wordpress and the new blogs I discover. Yours always makes me laugh and are so true ! Yeah me too when I can I try to avoid the big grocery stores and try to shop in little markets instead, more cosy, less packaging and also I always see my friends. No big line up at cashiers and a service more personalize.

    1. Thank you for visiting. I think I would enjoy visiting a small store in France 🙂

      1. I’m actually in New Brunswick Canada ;o)

  2. Gonna have to elbow my in all you Texas ladies… make some room for a New Zealand girl via New York…

    Of course this is divine and made me laugh… and then it got me thinking about American supermarkets… NZ supermarkets are rather like 80s supermarkets in the US – large, wide isles, a million different products…

    But the American supermarket today! Holy Christmas Batman – acres and acreas and acres – you need a map! How many cafes? How many bakeries? Little stage areas and tasting zones. Play areas for the kids. Full sized merry-go-round… Organics to exotic imports to Twinkies, booze to bedsheets…

    Supermarket on steroids? How did this happen?

    1. Supermarkets on steroids. I like that. Everything is on steroids in the USA now. But sshhh, we’re not supposed to say that. I miss small places where you have a snowball’s chance in hell of seeing the person twice. Or even someone you know. That would be cool 🙂

  3. Wait,so people ARE judging me based on my groceries,I thought I was imagining it.Stop it!eyes on your own cart people…All right, I guess I’m guilty too.Every time I see someone with a 5000 megaroll case of toilet paper,I can’t help but notice.And then I tell myself to quit being so juvenile.

    1. LOL what it so juvenile about observing people around you? That’s what makes life fun.:) I do always wonder about those people with 500 megaroll of paper. packs. My theory is they are eating WAAAYYY too much fiber!

    2. I always felt the same way when I would buy TP, but everyone said I was overreacting.

      1. well we all use it, in theory. so be brave! 🙂

  4. Another TX girl here, and I too hate the grocery store. I do like peeping into other people’s carts, though, and you nailed it in your description. I recently unloaded onto the conveyor belt my cartful of fresh produce & whole grain delicacies with nary a processed food in sight, and the overweight yet sickly looking cashier asked me if that’s what I really eat. Sad.

    1. Isn’t that sad? I had a package of cucumber sushi in my stuff one day. The poor cashier, who looked like she was about to wheeze her last breath, picked it up and looked at it like she was examining a rat. She then looked at me and her comment was “I can’t believe you eat this shit.” I kid you not. It was like being in the twilight zone.

  5. Hello! I just found your blog. Your writing is so delicious! I’ve looked back through some of posts and have burst out laughing on multiple counts. Glad to see another Texas lady too!

    Yeah, I roll my eyes at a lot of what I see at the supermarket. Then there are the people wandering around with a basket full of diet food, like Yoplait Lites and Lean Cuisines. Gawd.

    1. Glad you get a kick out of my writing. I am also to glad to meet another Texas lady. Yay us!
      Thanks for commenting.

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: