THe Kitchen is a Dangerous Place

The Abyss

The Abyss

A Kitchen is a dangerous place. It should only be entered by a trained professional. Friend named Judy. Don’t Remember her last name.

The scene above is a picture of our cooking utensils drawer. It is but one example of why I don’t go in the kitchen except to forage for occasional sustanence. There are 2 problems going on here. 1) I hate clutter 2) I hate to cook. This attitude does not mix well with sharp knives and fire.

Oh, I know how to cook. Being the oldest of 6 kids I’ve been cooking for a long time. I can remember standing on a chair to reach the stove. I’m just sick of it. After my kids were grown and gone I declared my cooking days were over, Amen. Every once in a while I do get an urge go in the kitchen and actually try to create some food. I usually give up because hub-man has to trot in behind me and micro manage every move.  Mr. Husband and I have opposing views bordering on extreme when it comes to the kitchen and food preparation. The only logical next step would be an exchange of blows.

Below is a comparison of styles.

My Idea of a Good Kitchen Husband’s Idea of a Good Kitchen
Counters free of clutter. One should not have to spend 15 minutes lugging around heavy gadgets and looking for yet another available cranny to cram 1 more thing. 

 

The counter is there to put stuff on. If there is an open inch of space, an object must be immediately placed so as to cover the offending space.
Things you use the most should be the easiest to get to and closest to the stove. This includes spices. I know this defies the theory that they should all be organized in a shoe box making it necessary to pull out every bottle to find a spice. Even better if this box is on the top shelf so you have to go find a step stool. The things you use the most should be kept in an orderly fashion with similar objects, and on the highest darkest shelf of the pantry. What should be kept on the counter is a 5 pound bag of brown sugar. Having to find the food in the kitchen is foraging. This should take at least an hour and involve a great deal of profanity. If you don’t do this you’re not doing it right. 

 

Gather all ingredients before hand so that food is cooked in an order that renders all of it ready and hot at the same time. 

 

Begin cooking by putting a frying pan full of oil and garlic sufficient to stink up house for a week on the stove. Go play on the computer until stench of burning oil reaches office.
Clean dishes used in the preparation as you go. This avoids a huge pile of dishes to tackle after meal and having to face a scene that looks like someone sacrificed a goat. Use every pot and mixing bowl. Then pile the whole mess in a 3 foot high stack in the sink. This is the fun part because the sucker who does the dishes has to then remove every pot and pan back out of the sink to clean them and the sink . 

 

Relax and enjoy a meal. Part of the enjoyment is knowing that you don’t have to pay for meal by being a galley-slave for an hour and a half afterwards, pretty much negating the fun part of this whole adventure. When I bend over to put things in a dishwasher on a full stomach there is a very real possibility that my dinner will end up in that dishwasher. Laugh and point at the mess. Plop ass in bar-co- lounger and say “have fun cleaning up.” I do not find this statement even remotely amusing. In my opinion, it should be punishable by a good horse whipping, at the very least..

13 responses

  1. I so needed this. It’s just that I probably will not do it… again.

    1. Not in this lifetime anyway. 🙂

  2. This article was so funny. When my husband decides he wants to cook something he will use every pan in the cabinet. I try to use as little as possible because I have to clean it.

    For Christmas I received a nice wooden thing to fit in my utensil drawer so that it would be better organized, it really did help out.

    Thanks for another great article!

      1. you tweeted it? cool, thank you. I’m honored.

    1. I’m going to get one of those thingies and anything that won’t fit in it goes in the bottom of my husband’s underwear drawer!

  3. wow, you must have the patience of Job…how long have you been hitched? now i see that yin and yang in marriage is an absolute must. Kudos to you!

    1. hehe I don’t have the patience of job. Maybe I’m an ostrich that hides it’s head in the sand 🙂 We’ve been together 6 years, married for 3 years.

  4. Hey you . . . I can help you with that delimia in the kitchen. Seriously. Lunch today? How about 11:00 a.m.? Text me!

    1. We need to figure out a way to send “you know who” away for a day. Lunch is on. Just trying to figure out how to send you a Google map. If not we may actually have to speak on the phone. 😛

  5. Oh I hear you. When my current job ends in late April. After I get back from a month or 2 of walkabout. The cleansing begins! Having someone help sounds like a great idea. Mr. Husband will probably have to be sedated.

  6. Sounds like my house. After years of leaving it to my husband (who is so very much like yours) I have left the corporate world and am now working from home. Which means I am taking back the kitchen… This is so very disturbing to him… the day my daughter and I took the entire kitchen apart and cleaned it for 12 solid hours was possibly the worst day of his life… The expired contents of the freezer filled an entire rubbish bag – did you know that old frozen chicken weighs nothing and is dry and spongy??? And 95% of the pantry’s contents have a use-by day date around 2003?
    It was ugly. And just the beginning of the battle…

    1. LOL can you and your daughter come to my house?

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