The Day I Murdered the Remote

Is it normal to fantasize about throwing a brick through a big screen TV? Well I do, and don’t care if  it’s normal or not. I like to watch it, but watch is the operative word here. Having the damn thing on 24/7 sets my teeth on edge. Husband flips on the TV in the morning on his way to the coffee pot out of habit. On channel 362 – Fox Snooze. I hate news, it’s so boring. The same thing over and over and over. And each time the reporters act like this is the most heinous and shocking thing that has ever happened.

Thou Shalt Not Bear False Witness Against Thy Neighbor

Did these people never take a history class? Have they ever read any ancient writings? Those opinionated old coots like Socrates, Aristophanes, the usual suspects. The only thing new about the news media in the last 4, 000 years is the level of hysteria and outright glee of the reporters. Or maybe the problem that no one seems willing to make even a lame attempt to verify facts. I’m waiting for the humongous lighting bolt to coming crashing out of the sky followed by the great booming voice. “Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor.” Especially when it is born to 999 million people.  “Are you people listening? Or do I have to send another flood to get your attention?” God said this, not me.

Mr. Husband claims he was a history major in college and even he gets sucked into this kakamamy fear mongering. “this is the worst the world has ever been.”  And the weather channel, don’t get me started. Some woman standing there with the whites of her eyes visible all the way around. “Stay tuned folks, we are going to be here all night to support you through this crisis. Ladies get a firm grip on your garters, take deep breaths… There is a 20% chance that it might RAIN tomorrow.” Oh…my….GOD.  Honey, break out the emergency rubber raft. Gas up the car, lock up the dog, find the cat. Unlock the liquor cabinet, get your boots out of the cooler and go buy some ice. We might get wet. And you know what that means? We will get pneumonia and remain alive just long enough to see the roof caving in over our heads.

And so it goes in this House of Yee Haa.

Death to Remotes!

The day of the murder was the same as any other day. The sun was shining. The bird may have been singing, but who could tell with the TV and its surround sound blasting away. We were on our way out the door to dinner and movie. I turned the TV off. Husband rolled his eyes and turned it back on. I turned it off. He turned it back on and explained that it had to be on for the dog, and changed it to the news.

I literally saw red and snapped. I wasn’t playing this stupid game anymore. I snatched up the remote, turned the TV off. Husband was so shocked that I defied him that he just stood there. I huffed over to the front door, opened it, and winged that sucker out the door. I meant for it to land in the grass, just to make a statement. Didn’t realized I had such a good throwing arm.  Instead it went sailing out into the middle of the road and exploded into… a lot of pieces. Hub-man was furious. If  I hadn’t been so angry I would have been rolling in the floor laughing. His eyes almost popped out of his head like they were on stalks, just like in a cartoon. His face turned red. The only thing missing was a steam coming out of his ears and his head rotating.

We both stood in doorway to survey the damage. Then. he grabbed me by the arm and actually tried to shove me out the door. “You go get that right now!”  That was not a good idea. “Oh yea? How about You get your hand off  my arm… right NOW. If you want that piece of junk, go get it yourself.” He ended up going out in the road and picking up every little tiny piece. I peeked from the window. I don’t remember if we went out after all.

He spent the next few days searching the internet for the exact same 20 year old remote and complaining that it was no longer made. “Would you like some cheese with the whine, darlin?” Months passed and then one day I came home from work, and lo and behold. He glued it back together, and it worked! That’s just absurd. He must have made a pact with the devil. That is the only solution that seems believable to me.

13 responses

  1. in my case it was me who was remote-holic I used to wake up and turn the TV on but one day we had to move to another house and my wife while packing put the remotes into one of the larger unidentified boxes and we had to wait nearly a week till we could locate them that week was great , we started talking around breakfast table , I still some times miss the old TV news mornings but in the meantime I’m TV free.

    1. Sounds like heaven. I’m going to clean all the junk off our table tonight and burn the TV trays in a big bon fire in the back yard.

  2. This is such a funny post. (I can’t stand cable news either.)

    1. Isn’t just the worst? Even their tone of voice is like nails on a blackboard. So phoney.

  3. I would like to hire you to come to my building and kill the remote of all my neighbors- It absolutely drives me crazy, imagine your problem multiplied by 6 or 7 TVs at the same time!!! You are my hero!!

    1. Maybe I’ll become a part time international TV remote murderess. Think of the perks! Travel, notoriety, meet women all over the world. The possibilities are endless.

  4. I have the most brilliant solution – but it is dependent on having a husband who is a complete techno-phobe – which mine is – despite having studied programming in university a mere 15 years ago (as he contemplated a mid-life career change – no he was not 19 at the time…)
    Turning on and watching my big-screen TV requires the full working knowledge of three separate remotes. No way can Mr Husband manage this. All attempts result in nothing working at all and husband cursing at modern technology… He is forced to watch small old TV in unused room of the house where I am not affected… He doesn’t have a cell phone for the same reason.
    Life is good…

    1. Great idea except my husband is not a techno-fobe. He’s a remotea-oholic. I keep asking him why we can’t just get a universal remote. But noooooo, there-must-be-one-remote-per-machine. One would think he was raised at a military academy.

  5. Great description of what channel surfing sounds like. I like the broken thumb idea. But they would just get good at using their nose to change the channel.

  6. I apologize for the typo’s, is there a way to edit postings to someone’s page?

    1. I don’t think there is a way. But, typos are usually a sign that someone is passionate about what they are saying.

  7. I have a battle with my husband over the remote. It is ot the fact that the tv is on. He drives me absolutley insane constantly changing chanels. I will be sittig at the computer writing and all I use is differet voices going around and around. I listen to “and the Lord said, you will just love this new kitchen, as he marched up the hill to capture, he throws for the pass and it’s, now is the time to buy those new tires.” I think you have my point. It’s not that I don’t love my husband very much, because I do, but I want to break his remote thumb at times. So goes life with a remote.

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