The Place of Forgetting

Oubliette – (noun, french) a little place of forgetting. A small, windowless room where someone is locked away, forgotten, left to go mad. A place I’ve been locking my spirit in since my earliest memories. A place to dump the pain. The bottomless pit. Not to deep for God. What do I need to forget? I don’t even know, it peeks at me from behind the curtain of my mind.  If I forget, is it really gone ? Or does it sneak back down to a dark place in my mind only to roar back later. The fear, loneliness. I was too little, too hungry, too scared. I had to fill shoes that were too big. Stand up to giants. Last on the list. Be happy with the leftovers, cast offs. Second hand love. Don’t talk about anything, don’t need anything. Don’t ask and you won’t be disappointed.

People can’t control you if you don’t need anything. They can’t control you if you don’t want anything. That’s OK, I don’t mind, I’m sorry, no problem, don’t worry about. I know you didn’t mean it. I’ll just fade away like the Cheshire cat, leaving nothing behind but a grin.

Byzantine Wedding CrownI will go to my place of forgetting. He is waiting for me there. I can rest in his arms, put down my burdens. I don’t have to explain myself. He understands. I can be scared, overwhelmed, needy, cranky. I don’t have to put on a happy face. He understands. I don’t have to be embarrassed for being alive. I don’t have to regret being a tiny sparrow, only one in a flock of millions. I can cry, I can let it all out, I don’t have to apologize or worry that I will stress him out. Nothing is impossible for him. I don’t have to be brave. He won’t laugh at me. He won’t tell me my dreams are silly. He will take care of me even if I turn my back on him. He will forgive 10 times more that I could ever need or ask for. What happened? When did I forget that I am a beloved child, a daughter of a King.

We are all blessed in our very creation, and this blessing never leaves us. [ Henri J.M. Nouwen.]

If I find in myself desires which nothing in this world can satisfy, the only logical explanation is that I was made for another world. [C.S. Lewis]

5 responses

  1. it´s really touching …

    1. Thank you, not my usual happy post, it came up from a different place.

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