The Great Cat War of 2011

Mr. Knick Knack

Our Cat - Mr. Knick Knack in all his glory

Who’s running this chicken coop anyway? There are millions of cat owners worldwide who manage to live out their days NOT awash in cat fur and litter trails. There are even some who do not have a cat food shrine in the middle of the den. How did cats survive without exploding in a nuclear cloud of feces before cat litter was foisted upon us? This is a conspiracy in the same magnitude as that of the big pharma.

I see a cat owner gestapo agent stroking his goatee and saying:

“Sooooo, ju vant to have a cat. First you must sign this papah signifying that you vill nevah have a normal life. Ju are now a slave to your cat or any human in your house who vishes to live out their neurosis and fantasy of control through the cat. Your sentence is to live out your natural life, or that of the cat, awash in litter crunching under foot and fuzz balls in your panty drawer. Ju will never again sleep past 5:30 am without the risk of a paw up your nostril or any exposed orifice if you should try such a foolish endeavor!”  Shame on you! A curse on your house!

OK I am now going to ask the question of the ages? Why can’t the cat shit outside???? Why is that an unreasonable request? I know it’s possible. I’ve seen other cats do it. Mr. Husband seems to think that this is cat abuse, right up there with putting the cat in the microwave. That’s not possible, he’s too big to fit in there. And no, I haven’t tried….yet. The cat I mean not husband. He has enough intelligence to know that it would not end well and would resist. The cat? It would depend on cat’s mood at that moment.

As soon as I can walk normally, the great cat wars begin. I am reclaiming my home.

This is my manifesto:

  • I will not need to vacuum the bed before occupying it.
  • I get first dibs on my office chair.
  • My clean laundry is not a cat bed.
  • Litter box is the back yard, not the great stinking cat cauldron in the hall.
  • When I sit down to eat I will continue until I am finished. Not jump back up to tend to the animals. I didn’t sign up to be farm hand!
  • I will no longer tolerate having a tail up my nose when I want to read for a while.

Well, there you have it. You may say I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one. I hope some day cat owners will join me. And the world will be a different one.

8 responses

  1. Mr. Knick Knack looks like he was trying to sneak up on you. Let me know how reading without a tail up the nose goes. I still haven’t mastered that one yet.

    1. I’ve tried making weird hissing sounds, but he got used to it. Back to the drawing board.

  2. He he he – I think you should go see LifeWith4Cats for some cat handling tips! It is a while since I had a cat, but yes, that darn tail up the nose! I remember that only too well!

  3. Hah! I’ve got three of the beasts to contend with, one of whom is plotting to murder me… Mr Husband of Titirangi adores these creatures and would gladly throw me under a moving bus should any of them wish to be petted or fed or want my dinner or office chair… I shall join you in this battle – leading the sub-equatorial charge!

    1. woo hoo! Ladies start you engines. Man the torpedoes!

  4. Awesome post! Well-written and fun.

  5. Well maybe a skirmish. After I take a nap, I’m on it! (if there is room on the bed)

  6. oh my!! a new war is coming!!!!

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