What a Difference a Day Makes

What a difference a day makes, 24 little hours. I woke up happy today. Yesterday morning, I woke up in a crappy mood after a night of ridiculous nightmares. The least weird of my dreams was watching my mother go base jumping off a bridge with a satellite dish/umbrella hat strapped to her head. You heard me. And then it got weird. A pre-coffee hub-man questionnaire set me off and it was downhill from there.

Today is a wonderful day. I woke up happy, twice. The first time was 2:30 am. Went out to the patio and sat in the dark Texas night. This is the time of year when the wind blows hard late at night. It talks to you through the leaves on the trees. Whispers “what’s bothering you child? Let it out, let it go. I’ll take it away in the wind.” Woke up the 2nd time at 8:30 and still happy. I can live with this.

What was going on? Paralyzed with fear and anger, I’m beating myself up for having feelings. Smacking myself in the head with a hammer is more productive. At least I have bruises visible to others.

So what am I angry about? My beautiful daughter, lost to me in her own personal hell of mental illness, drug and alcohol abuse. 39 years old and looking like she got dragged behind a truck. Hell yea I’m angry! But I feel better today because I let myself admit it.

I’m angry that she dragged her children through this hell with her. I’m angry that she let her youngest children be taken away by the state, because she was off drugging and left them alone, again and again. A loving family adopted them and they are in a much better environment now.

I’m angry because her darling oldest son, now living with me, basically grew up with wolves. No guidance, no example of any kind of values other than survival. I’m angry, NO, make that blazing, white-hot, steaming, raging, furious, that she blames it on me! Angry that much of society also blames it on me. I blame it on me. Where did I go wrong? I’m a terrible mother. I dared to try to have a life. If only I had done something differently. If only…….. Knowing that this is complete and total bull shyte doesn’t make it hurt any less.

What am I afraid of? I’m afraid to get my hopes up. Afraid that grandson will hang in there for a while and then get sucked back into the nightmare. Afraid that my daughter has damaged her brain beyond any hope of recovery and a meaningful life. Afraid that she and I will never have a real conversation again. One that involves loving communication, rather that yet another attempt to con me out of more money.

So I woke up happy today. Sounds strange, but it is the feel good kind of happy that happens after getting a huge splinter out of your foot. I know there are other splinters lurking around in there. Dealing with this kind of grief is like having Malaria. It goes, comes roaring back like the 2nd half of a hurricane, and then goes again.

Today I chose joy. And lot’s of coffee!

13 responses

  1. Good choice – the joy, I mean!

  2. I have no children, single young woman, and I can assure you that my choices were made by me and only me. I’m very happy about my life and what I had become. And yes my parents were there but still my life that I built for myself was with my choices and not my parents. What i’m trying to say is, a parent can only do their best, the rest is really not in there hands. I’m sure you really did your best and that’s the only thing that counts. Best of luck and continue to take it day by day. I’m sure everything will have a way to sort itselft out, just hang in there.

  3. I first connected to your blog because of being a Dallas girl. I got hooked because of shared feelings and experiences. But today’s blog, about taking on guilt, touched my soul. I have five children, one of whom as an adult turned to drugs, and who now blames everything on me. I let him get away with it for several years. He ate my heart, especially when he said I never loved him and overnight seemed to have forgotten all the fun things we once did together. Just this past month, I finally let myself get angry and stopped blaming me. Sometimes there is a place for anger. Thank you so much for saying that.

    1. Thank you, Pat. I’m glad that you get any comfort from anything I say. Having a child go astray is awful beyond words. That they blame us for it is the worst possible pain. We have a right to get angry. I think until we feel it we can’t get past it.

  4. I feel your pain. I understand your questions although I have no answers. Put some Kaluha in that coffee. 🙂

    1. Ah Kaluha. Breakfast of Champions 🙂

  5. Your story is so sad, and I really hope your daughter gets her life together, and you and her will have a good relationship some day. It’s great that you are looking after your grandson and I’m sure you are a good mother. It’s so hard being a mother I have 3 daughters myself thank god they are all grown up now with children of their own, but I did worry about them growing up. We don’t get any training to be a good mother we just have to learn as we go along and we all make mistakes, but we do our best and hope they turn out well. You can’t really help her now she needs to help herself, but you are doing well looking after her son, and you will be there for her when she needs you, because it’s what us mother’s do.
    God bless and I will pray for you and your daughter.
    Ann

  6. Let´s share a coffee and make a coffee toast to … life!!

  7. Glad you’re feeling better.Nice pictures btw.

    1. Thank ya hunny bunny. Feeling much better. 🙂

  8. That’s tough any way you slice it. I know you know it’s not really your fault, although society does love to blame the mama. You can’t fix her, and you can’t ensure your grandson’s success, but you can drink lots of coffee!

    1. Yes lot’s of coffee.Lot’s of really really good coffee. Sis’s hubby roasts up some yummy coffee. Why I didn’t figure this out sooner is beyond me. I was just doing at as a treat once a year when I visited.

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