NO ONE Looks Good in a Speedo

Just Say NO

Now that summer is upon us, I’ve decided to pontificate on one particular item of hot weather apparel that should be banned by all laws in this galaxy.

Attention gentlemen everywhere. I don’t care who you are. Or who you think you are. You do not look good in a Speedo. Yes, this means you! If you are built like a Greek god, you look much better in the nude. If you are not built like a Greek god, a little strip of spandex does not rectify the lack thereof.

I’ve been a woman for almost 57 years now. Sure, I’ve been to nude beaches back in the day. Back when I felt confident enough to go commando. Getting sand in your nether ya-ya is much worse than sand in your suit, just for the record. But oh, the sense of freedom. I went through and saw the hot pants phase, the cut offs so short the pockets hung out the bottom and every other phase of skimpy clothing possible. Trust me now men, like you’ve never trusted any woman before. The banana hammock is NOT A GOOD LOOK FOR YOU! Any woman I’ve talked to in the last half century agrees with me, like it or not fellas. This is the straight scoop, right here, right now.

Naked is Better Than a Speedo

Don’t get sucked into the movie and TV fictional version of hot guys. If you head in my direction with what looks like a ferret hiding out in your pants…I’m heading in another direction. If you think we don’t notice, you are way wrong. But we don’t notice in a good way. And don’t let anyone fool you with the “woman are not as visually oriented as men are.” Bullshyte!

Visuals are important to us women – extremely, incredibly important. Just in a different way than for men. Take for example Nathan Fillion’s hiney depicted to the left here. Ooo la la. But he’s not heading down the beach towards me. What the visual image of a man with nothing left to the imagination is: here comes a punk who wants to let Mr. Ferret come out to play, immediately, if not sooner. He doesn’t give a hoot about me, I’m just another hole in a donut.

That’s it, that’s all she wrote. So maybe that’s true and I guess there is technically nothing wrong with that. More power to ya. However, if you are a guy who is female companion hunting, put on some shorts and try a little discreet conversation first. That will be a helluva lot easier if you don’t approach a herd of girlies with your weapon of doom leading the parade.

Disclaimer: If you are an Olympic swimmer or something like that then a Speedo is appropriate. That’s what they are designed for, to swim fast at the Olympic pool. They don’t belong at Cabo San Lucas, the beach nearest your house, your front yard, or the Holiday Inn.

13 responses

  1. Oh my gosh – how did I miss this post. I am sitting at my cubicle laughing so hard. 100% agreement here! Thank you for the Wednesday morning laugh even though I’m late in the game.

    1. You are most welcome to a laugh any time you choose to avail yourself of the opportunity. Thanks for stopping by 🙂

      1. And you my dear have the holy gift of humor and laughter! Good for the soul.

  2. Darnell Barnett | Reply

    Let men wear speedos.

    1. Well they are free to wear them. I’m just saying most women don’t like it 🙂

  3. 😆 😆 that’s all I have to say!

  4. I will never forget, or possible ever get over a man I saw in Hvar, Croatia some years ago. He was in his mid fifties with one of those miraculously large, tight beer-guts (as opposed to the more usual flabby droopy ones), that was tanned to caramel brownness and perched proudly over his family jewels. And oh my, what jewels they were – I don’t think I’ve seen testicles that large since the last time I was in the sheep area at a proper county fair.

    They were massive and a deep purply colour, with a chicken skin texture sprouting fine public hairs here and there… Oh yes, and they were walking toward me, all gussied up in a little red banana hammock… I suppose the banana was hidden in there somewhere but those gargantuan gonads spilled out the sides, rubbing on his hairy, tanned thigh, and with each step they lurched from side to side, threatening to burst free. I could not tear my eyes away, couldn’t even pretend to be polite enough to not stare. Oh my god! How could this be? It was a crotch goiter! Massive, ponderous, pendulous…

    Still he walked. And walked. I was not the only one with mouth agape. Men women and small children gazed in disbelief. As he passed, just a few feet from me, I caught him in profile… at least six inches of exposed testicular real estate was exposed on his left testicle, bulging from the weight of the right… I held my breath fearing and partly hoping the Speedo would give way, just to end the tension… but he walked on. That strip of polyester had a job to do and do it, it did.

    1. And you being a photographer?? Where is the picture for that monstrosity? Might win a some kind of prize for it.

      1. Oh man! I wish… Croatians are just so free about exposing themselves – everywhere I went I was surprised! I did try to take some photos but really, one does not want to be attacked by an angry, mostly-naked person!
        Next time though, I am going to be prepared. I am going with a 500mm lens! Then watch out world!

  5. So true! Thx for posting! Hahaha 🙂

  6. I think David Beckham could parade in front of me in his Speedos any time….or without.

    1. I prefer without to with :p

  7. LOL! You got that right!

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