I Fought the Meds – And the Meds Won

exploding head

Stand back…She’s gonna blow.

Yea, you heard me, “I fought the Meds and the Meds won.” Well Phooey, I say. Damn and drat and hogwash and and and… I give up. Those of us who do suffer from mental illness need to remind ourselves that it is not a fig newton of our hallucination.

I did the very thing to myself that others do about depression and other mental disorders. I feel fine! I don’t need no stinkin drugs! Well duh, I feel fine because I am one of the lucky ones that found a good combination of head meds. A combo where the benefits far outweighed the side effects. Mr. Husband was on board with this, one thousand percent. He never said any crap like; just snap out of it, you’re just not facing reality, blah blah blah, rutabaga, rutabaga.

So what did I do because I felt all fine and dandy? I decided to cut back on the meds. That’s the cruel joke, you feel good so you think you are “normal” now and don’t need meds. Now granted I did this with my Physiokeeatrist’s supervision. She did not suggest it. I did and she said “well if you want to try cutting back on drug X, try it for a month and then check back and we’ll reassess your situation.” Thinking back on it, I don’t recall that she jumped out of her chair to do the happy dance.

So I cut out drug X and for about a week I was on cloud 9. Tra La La, I feel happy, down to only 1 head pill. If I felt any withdrawal side effects they were minor and traveling, drinking, partying, etc. masked them well enough.

demon

The Demon of Depression

About a week ago the demon came roaring back. He started as this little black smoke puff of annoyance and then it grew into a raging Dante’s inferno of anger, lethargy, fidgets, anxiety, can’t eat, can’t sleep, can’t think, can’t not think, but too tired to do anything. Then it escalated to weird aches and pains I had forgotten about, migraines, and a general but undefined desire to blow up the house. (Just kidding Mr. Hubman, about the house part, but you know what I mean) Brushing my teeth was the big accomplishment of the day. Taking a shower was going into the bonus round.

Then last night I was laying in the recliner thinking; maybe if I’m still enough, I’ll just sink down into the cushions and merge with it, and no one will ever know I was even here, ever. The earth will keep on turning without my assistance. Ding, ding, ding, – danger danger Will Robinson.

That’s when I said, “to hell with this! Who am I trying to kid? Myself, that’s who.” Or rather, that little devil that sits on my shoulder and whispers thing like “you don’t need these meds, wouldn’t you like to be able to brag about being 57 and not taking any meds at all.” Now that’s just plain silly, I do need meds for diabetes and now I’m trying to tell myself that I shouldn’t even be taking that?

So I headed to my magic pill box and took the pill that I “didn’t need.” Well turns out I do need it. I didn’t like that version of me without it. An hour later I felt some semblance of normal. As in happy in general, relaxed, wanting to do stuff. Then I got sleepy at a “normal” hour (for me) and went to bed. I’ll be damned that I did actually sleep, all night.

This morning I woke up happy, before Mr. Husband even. I got dressed…in clothes and brushed my hair. The birds are singing. They were before but it annoyed me. I made coffee! Now I’m drinking the coffee and it tastes good! I stuffed a sock in the mouth of the little nag who says crap like “coffee isn’t good for you.” To hell it’s not! I like it dammit. And I intend to continue drinking it. Bury me with a coffee cup in my hand. But not anytime soon I hope.

So life is good again. The moral of this tale is that if you suffer from mental illness, you have to stop fighting with it. It’s not a battle you can win. It’s a true test of having to trust others to be on your side and there for you. If your spouse, significant other, friends are telling you that there has been an overnight sea change because you went back on your meds. If you notice that people around you are walking flat footed instead of tip toeing around. Well……maybe you need the damn things. Just think of them as one of your food groups and get on with your life.

7 responses

  1. Oh, God, rarely a good idea, but I’ve been there! Take care of yourself and get back on the meds, my friend.
    Hugs,
    Kathy

    1. I did … last night. Felt like I had a brain transplant, in a good way 🙂

  2. Dear dear, I`ve read your blogs since the time you were counting the days to freedom. From where I`m standing in life, I think it`s only natural that you go through a crisis. It`s been a big huge change in your life and freedom is not for free. It takes time to adjust to the new situation and everybody deals with their own issues differently. There is nothing wrong with pills, that I learnt the hard way. I`m all for letting nature run its course so I didn`t want pills but nature won and my blood pressure escalated to a risky point and so did my cholesterol level and I had to take the f·%$”ing pills and now that my world is upsidedown I`m considering adding some “magic pills” to help me cope with my own troubles. Another thing I learnt, you cannot leave them just that, you need to cut the dose till you leave them completely, otherwise, there is a rebound effect that it`s even worse.
    You`ll be fine, you have support, you have a great mind, are clever and you`ll do what it takes to get better, because you want to.
    Send you a big hug from the other end of the world.

    1. Thank you for understanding and the hug 🙂 I just love hugs.

  3. I’m one of the blessed who has built-in happy pills, but I have loved ones, who like you, need them, and it’s disastrous when they decide they don’t. Thanks for being so honest with your thoughts. I hope it’s read by the people who need to hear it. I, meanwhile, have taken my high blood pressure pill daily for over 30 years. We all need a little help.

    1. Thanks so much, Pat. It’s hard for me to spit it out, but if I don’t, I’ll sweep it under the rug and it festers.

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