I Purchased a Girdle – Call CNN!

Circa 1960’s

Wear a girdle? What? My knee jerk reaction is usually just say “NO.” But I bought a fancy highbrow floor length cocktail gown to wear to a wedding. I love the dress but when I put it on without proper foundation garments I felt like a potato sack sprayed with glitter, so off to the ladies lingerie department I went.

They don’t call them girdles anymore, they’re called Spanxs. Sounds rather sinful, but it’s better than the former name. It has a padded booty and the whole nine yards. I was cracking up laughing when cramming myself into it in the dressing room. Sort of like trying put on an octopus that was fighting back, but once finished I thought “hey, this just might work!”

Then we move on to the bosom department. They don’t have bras designed for women with actual bossomage who plan to wear plunging necklines anymore. They used to make them, I swear, I owned one. Turns out you have to buy this sort of slithery gooey silicon bra thingy that you literally glue on to your boobs. This is going to be interesting.

What if one of them pops off at the reception and puts the eye out of whoever is seated across the table? What if they get stuck and won’t come off when I’m finished with them? Will I have to go to the emergency room to have them removed? Or wear them for the rest of my life? I’ve heard that women swear by them, but I have my doubts. We shall see. (Update: I tried them on. It was like trying to stuff water balloons into a teacup) However, it’s better than nothing or erupting out of my bodice if leaning too far over the party platter. Although that would make an interesting conversation starter.

If all goes wrong and my undergarments go totally awry, my plan B is to get so tipsy at the reception that I either don’t care what I look like or Mr. Husband decides that it’s time to put me to bed for the night -whatever works.

Perhaps I should arrange for a film crew in case I’m passed out cold and Mr. Husband tries to get the girdle, I mean Spanxs, off me without my assistance. I’m sure it would go viral on YouTube. Hmm…maybe not. They say everyone gets their 15 minutes of fame but I don’t think that’s how I want it. I guess he could just hang me in the closet and cut it off. I seriously doubt I will ever wear it again.

Dressing up can be rather stressful. Sometimes I understand why many people gave up on it all together. But it’s also a lot of fun when you get yourself all pulled together and feel like a million bucks. Yowza!

9 responses

  1. Oh my goodness,this is so funny!After all of this you better have a lot of fun at the wedding.

    1. Oh, I had I wonderful time at the wedding. I wore the glue on bra gizmo, but end up going commando otherwise. I decided that I didn’t have anything on at all under the dress there would be no bulges or panty lines. Worked out pretty well, and I was much more comfortable 🙂

      1. Good for you and I am glad you had a good time

  2. I like the smoothing effect of “foundation garments.” And decent bras can be found online for cheap at One Hanes Place. I can find them in my size, which is a letter of the alphabet I didn’t even know they made bras in.

    1. I might have been able to do the online thing if I didn’t wait until the Sunday afternoon before Monday morning departure 🙂

  3. I can picture every minute of that adventure. Have fun! It will make more to write about for your blog!

    1. LOL, if you were in Dillard’s yesterday and heard a hyena, that was me in the dressing room. I also did a last minute whirlwind snatch and grab through Kohl’s and bought an evening clutch to match the dress. “You know who” is going to have a stroke when he gets the credit card bill! 🙂 Those glue on bras are expensive! Add to that new PJs, new robe, 2 pairs of earrings, 3 kinds of lip gloss and house slippers.

  4. Lol! My friend wore a girdle, I meant spans on thanksgiving and as she stuffed herself with food she could barely move… After a while she excused herself and went to the bathroom. Being the good host I went to check on her, she laughed and said girl I had to get that thing off… Now I can breathe and eat lol

    1. Oh too funny! Probably not a good idea as an undergarment for a celebration based on food 🙂

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