Instructions for the Leaving the House

Instructions for the Leaving the House

  1. Keep your front door in a place where you can find it easily (e.g., at the front of the house or apartment). It’s like the food in the grocery store: if your front door is in a ubiquitous location, you’ll be more inclined to walk out of it.
  2. If the door is locked, unlock it. You can lock it again behind you if so inclined.
  3. Turn the doorknob. Open door.
  4. Close door behind you if so inclined.
  5. Congratulations, you’ve left the house.

Welcome to the jungleInstructions courtesy of Hilary Smith’s book, “Welcome to the Jungle: Everything you ever wanted to know about bipolar but were too freaked out to ask.”

For some reason these instructions stuck me as so hilariously funny that I almost lost control of my bladder. I read them to Mr. Husband and he just didn’t get it. I guess it’s only funny if you’re on the inside and know how difficult leaving the house can be.

Unless you have personally been in a frame of mind where even finding the front door, let alone passing through it,  is an almost insurmountable task, it’s just downright silly. I’ll leave the problem of deciding to exit by the front door or the back door for another day. If you suffer from bipolar maybe your one of the lucky ones who, if the back door only leads to a locked back yard or dead-end alley, your decision of which door to use is moot. You must use the front door if you intention is to completely depart your place of residence.

Having a sense of humor is mandatory. If you take yourself too seriously the consequences range anywhere from unpleasant to disastrous. I recently developed a fear of my toothbrush. Seriously! Here is this nasty pointy object that has already been in your germy mouth, and god only knows when you last replaced it. It’s supposed to be replaced every 3 months, but who remembers that? And now you’re supposed to load this thing up with slimy sugary toothpaste and put it back in you mouth. Then scrub it around – carefully – not to hard not to soft, but just right. I wonder when Goldey Locks took up residence in my mouth?  If you scrub too vigorously you might lose control of the damned thing and jam it up you nose. I know because I’ve done this. It hurts. Don’t try this at home.

Watching commercials about tooth brushing is the stuff of nightmares! Now these pseudo paid Actor/Dentists are telling us that if we are not careful, we’ll scrub all the enamel off our teeth and never get it back. That is enough to make me want to hide in the broom closet. This also leads to the need to go the special department of hell – the dentist’s office. The screech of drills, the weird sucking sounds, sharp objects just laying there all shiny,  just waiting for someone to jab them in your gums and up into your brain. Then the hygienist tells you that your gum “pockets” are getting bigger or are the same. Well yeah!?! I probably have them because you assault me with instruments of torture every time I grace you with my presence. So there, I’m calling the police!

And so it goes. I think it’s time to add new toothbrushes to my shopping list. Such a simple and elegant solution. Why didn’t I think of it before?

2 responses

  1. I solved the problem of brushing too hard (which I did with alarming regularity) by switching to a battery operated toothbrush. As long as it has enough juice, I don’t brush hard enough to make my gums bleed (which does wonders for my hypochondria, btw).

    1. LOL, maybe I’ll get an electric toothbrush. I do love gadgets

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