Ever Have One of Those Days?

What part of "leave me the hell alone" did you not understand?

What part of “leave me the hell alone” did you NOT understand?

Ever have one of those days? Somehow you got up on the wrong side of the bed? My bed is up against the wall so I only have one side to get up on, but I still manage to do it on occasion.  What can I say? I’m still pretty limber even at 57 years of age.

I’m usually OK first thing in the morning when it’s quiet and peaceful and I’m on the patio, listening to the birds sing, drinking coffee, and writing. I’ve been doing a lot more writing lately since I gave myself permission to not publish every single word I commit to paper or computer. It took a lot of the pressure off.

I’m floundering along in the 3rd week of getting diagnosed as bipolar and it’s been pretty hard, but in some ways it’s been a huge relief. I’m not crazy, I’m mentally ill. There’s a huge difference…well there is! Don’t argue with me!

Being as Mr. Husband is in fact my spouse and cares a great deal about me; he’s stuck with also floundering along trying to figure out how to adjust to this situation as well. The trouble starts when our coping mechanisms butt heads.

Stop Asking Me Questions!

Stop Asking Me Questions!

My way of coping with a challenging situation is to withdraw in my shell and spend a great deal of time contemplating my navel and the universe. Hubman’s way of coping is to pin me to a bug board and examine me under a magnifying glass. Then bombard me with eleven thousand questions per hour, analyze, make  spread sheets, flow charts and make plan B, C, D and all the way through to double Z.

All this accomplishes is to make me want to scream loud and often, and take up residence in the attic. Thank you God, I have my own room with a lock on the door (my idea) to retreat too when it all gets too much.

It occurred to me this morning that I can just stop answering the questions. It may seem odd for a blogger to claim they are a private person, but I am.  I choose what to share and what to keep to myself. If someone tries to squeeze information out of me I clam up. Trying to force information out of me at this point is more useless than trying to get blood out of a turnip.

I’ve decided to implement the “Do you feel lucky? Well do ya?” policy. One question a day about my mental or physical status is all I intend to answer. If there is something that needs discussion I will let you know! Think about it Hubman, is this the one question you want to ask me today? It’s a one shot deal.

Limiting questions to one per day may sound rather draconian to a “normal” couple, but when it comes to an illness, a rather benign question takes on a whole new meaning. A question such as “did you sleep OK last night?” is really multiple questions hiding under the guise of a single question. It can mean; Did you sleep at all? Did you have nightmares? Did you get up in the middle of the night and drive to East Texas for a pack of cigarettes? Did you rearrange the furniture? Did you wake up at 3:00 am and knit a scarf so long it could wrap around the equator twice? Did you decide to format the hard drives and reinstall all the programs on all 3 of your computers at the same time? Did you eat everything in the kitchen that wasn’t tied down or raw? Did the tooth fairy leave a half eaten chunk of havarti cheese under your pillow?

My advice to anyone who is coping with mental illness or any other chronic illness in a loved one or friend is to embrace a few simple concepts. We are sick not stupid. We are ill but not an idiot. We did not sign away our right to be treated as an adult and with respect when we signed forms in the doctor’s office. We need a friend and a shoulder to cry on. Not a mother hen, a jail warden or a head master. We are still capable of making rational decisions and we know what we need more than you do, even if we may not able to express it in a way that you believe or understand.

I’ll climb down off my soap box now. Thank you for listening  🙂

9 responses

  1. Quite the badass soapbox you got there!! YEAH! You GO!

    1. LOL thank you. I built the soapbox especially for this occasion 🙂

  2. Hi there!!! You`ll do fine, it`s a matter of time, all changes require new adjustments and you are well able to make those adjustments, you said it yourself, you are sick but not idiot. Besides, bipolarity is one of those conditions that can be treated with medicine, well studied, and with successful treatments. You have my shoulder and my ear, ok? even if I live on the other end of the world!!

    1. Thank you Ellen. You must either have a really long shoulder or I have a really long ear. Either way it works.

      1. Imagine if Dalí painted us!!! all shoulders and ears across the continent!!! Have a pleasant evening!!

  3. I’m not bipolar. I have severe chronic depression which at this point is well managed, but I never know when it won’t be so well managed. I take each day as it comes. Blogging is a great outlet for what you’re going through, though I’ve alienated my daughter through my blogging. She has “unfriended” me on Facebook so she can no longer see my blogs, and to my credit, I rarely mention her in a derogatory fashion in my blog anymore. When I did, she deserved it. I had to let it out because she was absolutely wrong in what she did to me and she couldn’t handle it. I guess what I’m saying is, think before you write. I had no filter and it cost me. You are right, though. People shouldn’t treat us as though we’re stupid or ignorant. We’re ill. At least we know there’s something wrong and we’re trying to fix it. You can’t fix ignorant or stupid.

    1. Facebook is a sticky wicket. I actually had to unfriend my daughter because she is also bipolar but refused treatment for a long time. She would post obscene rants with all kinds foul language and false allegations and “it’s all your fault” kind of stuff on my Facebook page, so I had to block her to protect myself. It’s not my fault other than I passed on my genetic makeup to her.

      I generally think as I write rather than before. But, I do think before I make a post. 🙂

  4. I have a bipolar son, so I understand from Hubman’s point of view. Hang in there. I think your blog may be a very positive thing for you to have in your life.

    1. Thanks Pat, I’m hanging in as hard as I can. And you’re right, blogging is wonderful thing in my life.

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