Your Habits Become You – Your Red Scarf Matches Your Eyes

I Did It My Way

I Did It My Way

I’m a rather curious person. And I’m also a curious person.  I like to click on the people who “like” my post and go to their blog to see what they have to say. What’s their take on life as they know it?

While perusing others blogs I came across an article The S.A.I.D. principle, posted on February 9, 2013. It means Specific Adaptations to Imposed Demands.  I found this on the Real Women’s Health Blog. She’s got some good stuff there.

While exploring this topic she posed the question: If faking a smile can make you happy, does whining make you more miserable? I think this is absolutely true in a most profound way. I know that whining never solves any problem that I have.

Nor does having a tantrum.  But, but…tantrums are so cathartic, even though they do tend to damage people and objects subjected to said tantrum. Whining only turns you into a sniveling bowl of poorly set jello. It doesn’t help at all. It’s not cathartic, it’s not satisfying, and it does not help the situation. It just makes you and those around you more miserable. And it reinforces a sense of helplessness and being an all-around ineffectual person. “I can’t or won’t do anything to make this better, so I’m just gonna sit around and bitch about it.”

Years ago I sat through many a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous and Al-Anon (for people who deal with other alcoholics). These people are ruthless I tell you! I’d be sitting around nursing my crappy coffee in a Styrofoam cup and singing the blues. “Oh woe is me, my life sucks, and this will never end.” The old wise ones would tell me things like: “Put on your big girl panties…. Get off your pity pot.” My favorite was “come down off that cross honey, there’s only room for one up there.”

I would of course become outraged. “How DARE you say that to me!  If you had the problems I have…<insert horror story here>…blah blah blah.” Then I’d calm down, shut up and listen. Everyone who has to deal with substance abuse or mental illness or any other freak show has their own horror story. The may be different from mine but they’re all terrible.

I’ve listened to people talk about their schizophrenic or bipolar/alcoholic daughters, who would go off their meds, disappear from the face of the earth for a year or 2 and then show up out of the blue with another baby for the grandparents to raise. Then after another year or 2 the daughter would pop back up and say “Hey, I’m all better now, gimme back my kids.” And with the courts behind them, they snatch the kids out of the stable environment and go off on another magic carpet right, kids in tow. How’s that for a nightmare scenario?

I’m grateful now that I heard these stories. My daughter tried that with me. She did not even ask, she demanded that I take her children. And threatened that if I did not take the kids, I would never see them again. Fortified with the information I had  – I refused. I told her that she needed to get straight, get treatment and TAKE CARE OF HER CHILDREN, THE KIDS SHE GAVE BIRTH TO. It broke my heart into a million tiny pieces.

I got a ton of flack and grief from people who don’t understand the labyrinths of hell that is untreated mental illness and substance abuse. “How could you do that, what kind of person are you that you would not take in those kids?” It cut me to the bone. I was a single woman at the time living at a barely subsistence level myself. I was in no position mentally or financially to take on the raising of 2 children.

Unfortunately she made good on her threat. I have never seen these 2 grandkids since. She disappeared again for a couple of years when I failed to meet her demands. I found out later that she gave the children up for adoption. She claims the state took them away. I don’t know what is true around this. But I do know the kids are in a stable 2 parent home, cared for by people who love them and can give them a happy life. Could I have done that? I don’t think so.

Am I whining about this? Nope, just stating the facts, Ma’am. Tough love is exactly what is says –tough. You might be better off walking barefoot across hot coals topped with broken glass. I guess what we have to do is pull way back and look at the big picture. Would things have been better if I chose a different path? I don’t know. I will never know. I just have turn left at the next star and head straight on ‘til morning.

11 responses

  1. Barbara Watkins | Reply

    I am so glad that I came across this. Prayed for direction…here it is. Much love.

  2. Wow. Just wow. That’s a profoundly shitty situation. Good for you for writing about it and for seeing it for what it is without whining! You’re one tough mama!

    1. Hee hee. I like it the “profoundly shitty situation” description. It’s fits a lot of scenarios.

  3. Tough article to write Trinity, but very brave. Tough love is something I am big on too.

    1. I just wish tough love was a little easier – with a guaranteed good outcome 😛

  4. Thanks for the mention.
    What a wrenching spot to be in.
    Glad everyone seems to have made it through to the other side.
    Have a wonderous week. 8)

    1. Thanks, Katie. And you have a wonderful week as well 🙂

  5. I don’t know what I would have done in the circumstances. What a horrible decision for you to have to make.

    1. Yes, it was one of worst moments of my life. But I think if I had to do it over, I would make the same decision.

  6. I love your honest posts, even when they must be terribly difficult to write. It has to hurt to know you won’t see your daughter or your grandchildren again. I don’t have the greatest relationship with my only daughter but at least I have a relationship with her. On Sunday, it was actually quite civil and my granddaughters and I had a nice day together. After so many years together, I would be distraught to not have them in my life. I admire how you can carry on despite your adversities. I truly do.

    1. I guess we just gotta do what we gotta do. I do have my daughter back in my life. She’s decided to stop drinking and is on bipolar meds. She’s like an entirely different person. I’m trying to enjoy it in the moment and hoping not to fall into the well of fear that it won’t last.

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: