I know that God won’t give me more than I can handle. I just wish he didn’t trust me so much. Mother Teresa
If children are a gift from God…why does is sometimes feel like a curse? I woke up last night doubled over in pain with some kind of spasm in my innards. As I writhed around in pain thinking “oh crap, please tell me that I don’t have to go to the emergency room again” it suddenly occurred to me that it was because I still worry about my daughter even though I’ve told myself I’ve given her back to God.
The second as I realized that the pain vanished and I went back to sleep. I felt like yanking back the cosmic curtain and snarling “OK God, you do know I can hear you laughing, since you’re omnipotent and all that, right? I know there is supposed to be something I need to learn here, but could you point me in the right direction, or tell me if I’m hot or cold?”
Maybe the rope burn on my hands is a sign that I haven’t let go…enough…yet. Bleh!
This morning I’m walking around laughing at myself and suddenly the phrase “tough old bird” came to mind. I’ve always wondering what it would feel like to be a bird and fly free and now I realize I am a bird and I can fly free, if I let go of the things that are tying me to the ground. I’m a tough old bird who has seen and heard about almost every stupid self-destructive thing that a person a can do. There isn’t much that anyone can do that surprises me anymore. I may be annoyed, disturbed, elated, disgusted, frustrated, or over joyed, but surprise usually doesn’t come into the picture. Usually my main reaction is a deep sigh and “geez, not again.” God can still surprise me, but people? Not so much.
I told my sister that I had a long talk with the Big Guy upstairs and told him, “Hey, you sent her and now I’m sending her back! I’ve been at this for 42 years now, and I’ve had all the fun I can have, thank you very much.” She cracked up laughing and said “I can’t believe you said that.” But that’s how I feel. I can only take so much before I throw up my hands and cry “Uncle, I give up.” If professional wrestlers and fighters can tap out and stop a match, well then why oh why can’t I?