I Wonder – I Wander

blue pill red pillWhen you get diagnosed with Bipolar disorder, they should hand out a list of bizarre moods that might overcome you and also clue you in that it will be excruciatingly obvious to everyone EXCEPT YOU. What will be going in your head “what the hell is wrong with all you ass hats, would you get with the program here, and make it snappy!” Lately I’ve been in the taking 200 milligrams of I don’t give a shit about anything zone, also known as Seroquel.  A right amount can be a good thing, slip over the border into too much and you have a chemical lobotomy. I stopped painting, writing, brushing my hair, even getting out of bed seemed to be a task that just really wasn’t worth the effort. And at the time it all seemed so logical, so right on the spot. I wasn’t really worried about it either other than a vague feeling of life shouldn’t be like this. I used to look forward to speaking my mind, slinging paint around the room, saying things that pissed some people off, etc.

Finally I got all scientific on the problem. I’m good at that kind of stuff. My major in college was Accounting until I realized that it meant that I would have to spend the rest of my life massaging numbers. That major came to a screeching halt after I realized that I had a better grasp on the subject than the teacher did, leaving me with no one to go to when I had questions. I’d rather massage people anyway. People I know of course. I’m not talking about massaging random strangers I encounter in the shopping mall.

So I started tracking my moods and the amount and type of meds I was taking on a spreadsheet and on the calendar. Sounds a bit complicated but it’s been worth the effort. On the calendar I just use little emoticons so no one would know what it was about if the glanced at our day timer that lies on the kitchen counter. I use a smiley face for really good days, a frowney face for bad days, and a confused face for those days when I’m in a “what the f@ck is wrong with me, and everybody else?” type of mood.

After this semi-scientific method of evaluating my sanity, I realized that I had exceeded the limits of my meds and that it was time to cut back a bit and see if my brain would do a kick start. I think it did help. Proof in point is that I’m actually writing a post. Yippee!

5 responses

  1. I take Seroquel also, and I recently had my doctor drop the dose because I was having an awful time in the morning (I take it at night as once it kicks in, I am non-functional). I am also on the tail end of an episode that has lasted for about 2-3 weeks, and I determined that it was the anti-depressant that I was on. They are known to make Bipolar people cycle, and I had been on it long enough that I think it was having the opposite effect than it was supposed to have. So, whee, off we go off a med. That always makes me happy 🙂 Good luck with the Seroquel! I find that it makes a huge difference in how well I function.

    1. I too am non functional once the Q kicks in. Not sleepy really, just totally out of it and don’t give a hoot about anything. I’ve also gained 10 lbs and not too happy about that. But it’s way better than being manic.

      1. Oh yeah, Seroquel beats mania any day. It just knocks me out though. I gained a bunch of weight on Depakote, and I only managed to drop about 2/3 of. So, I don’t think I have gained on Seroquel, more like a steady holding pattern, can’t gain, don’t lose. It probably helps that I also have ADD and therefore, a prescription for Adderall.

        1. I’ve heard that the nickname for Depakote is Depa-bloat, so I refused if from the start. Not too crazy about Seroquel, but it’s better than having mixed mania depression states that last for weeks or sometimes months.

          1. Sorry, been in Bipolar la-la land. 🙂 I will deal with the 10 pounds I gained on Seroquel over the Depakote weight any day, I like that nickname…. it is funny and witty 🙂

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