A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Orgasm

lover at lastRecently I relearned a lesson that I’ve learned before and keep forgetting. Just because a book is in the New York Times bestseller list does not guarantee that I’m going to like it. It may be an excellent well written thrill ride with gut wrenching emotional twists and turns, but not my cup of tea.

The book I’m reading is billed as a continuation in a series about a Vampire Brotherhood with “the hottest collection of studs in romance.” Yea buddy, bring it ON!! The book has a glossary of terms at the beginning that I have to keep referring to, because there are a lot of unfamiliar terms flying around in this author’s world and I am delving into a book that is part of series.

I like the author’s style of writing a lot. It is razor whip sharp, edge of your seat, nail biting, can’t put it down action. And the sex, oh my God, everybody is screwing everybody. We’re talking needles behind the eyes, gotta have it NOW, thrashing around, breaking the furniture, leaving teeth marks on the headboard, climbing the walls, swinging from the rafters, non-stop action. So much of it is going on that it is probably frightening the farm animals in adjacent counties.

However about a quarter of the way through the book I figured something out. The book is sort of a Twilight Vampire World crashes into Broke Back Mountain. The two main lovers are male and the majority of the sex scenes are between 2 males. There is one scene where a vampire male is nailing a human woman in a Toyota, if that’s even possible, but he’s obviously just using her for a quick fix. There are occasional references to sex with females but it is only inferred rather than described and seems to be mainly for the purposes of procreation.

The two main lovers are male vampires who, for some reason that I haven’t figured out yet, can not “be together” openly. But, occasionally slam into each other in the biblical sense when they just can’t take being apart anymore. I assume that in this book they will figure out a way to be couple.

Although I’m enjoying the story telling in this book, it’s just not working as a romance novel for me, the main reason being that I’m heterosexual. I have no problem with anyone being with whatever gender floats their boat, however same gender love scenes do not arouse me. It’s more of a clinical interest like watching a documentary on the mating habits of the Sub-Saharan Gazelles. I’m happy for them and all but I have no interest in joining the party.

So anyway, lesson learned. When I want a good cuddle up on a cold day steamy romance book, I need to make sure it’s the brand of romance that is going to work for me.

6 responses

  1. I must need more coffee since I read your title as ‘A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Oregon’. My confusion was compounded by the cover of the book. I know, ‘Never judge…’ but the author’s name and title all run together so it looks like “J.R., Ward Lover at Last”. One might infer ‘J.R.’ works at a prison/hospital (pretty much the most unsexy place I can think of!) but at least he’s got the Robin Hood garb going for him…

    1. We both need more coffee most days. When I was writing this post my auto correct changed orgasm to organism. It took my a while to figure it out. The cover did sort of confuse me too. Also, on the back of the book that had a more detailed description of the book, the names of the characters were gender ambivalent. It ticked me off as sort of a bait ‘n switch. I guess I need to delve into some of the actual scenes before I buy another “romance” novel.

  2. nailing a human woman in a Toyota

    About all a Toyota is good for.

    1. Yea, and sounds a little cramped to me.

      1. If the authoress specifically said Toyota (as opposed to ‘compact car’), could it be a blatant product placement ad? Hey ladies, wanna get it on with a gay vampire? get a Toyota!

        1. She said specifically a brand of compact car. It may or may not been a Toyota, I don’t remember. Not going to re-read the book to clarify.I just think it was funny that it was a small compact car because..after all…these vampires are so gigantic and studly, with massive shoulders, and bulging, beastly muscles, that make your tongue drop to the floor. Oh wait, they don’t like women. Well Damn! Anyway, one has to question how they fit themselves in the car let alone shagged a human wench in there. Go figure.

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