2 days after Salt Lake City we arrived at our Campground at West Yellowstone. A small friendly little town outside the West entrance to Yellowstone National Park. We were totally charmed. We did in fact find the flattest way out of Ouray, Colorado and spent the days drive admiring beautiful scenery and mountain ranges from afar. Drove past the Grand Tetons. We were enthralled at the sight and grateful that we were not IN the Grand Tetons. Or on them…or near them. I had previously toyed with the idea of going to the park in those mountains, but changed my mind after nearly soiling my pants in the San Juan Mountain passes.
That trip will have to wait until Mr. Husband is driving and I can cower in the passenger’s seat with my eyes closed if it gets to intense. I need to confess at this point that I am afraid of heights. I get dizzy on a step stool. Although it’s not as bad now after that fateful day in the mountains of Colorado. The benefit is that I feel much stronger and capable now than I did before the trip. I am retired woman traveler – hear me roar!!!
Meanwhile back at the camp. Mother and daughter innocents depart for the store/shower house/restroom complex. There we discover huge signs announcing THIS IS BEAR COUNTRY. Yea, yea, we know all about it. Wrong. We knew the basics, don’t keep food in your tents. Ha! Chained to the counter was a cooler that looked like Tyrannosaurus Rex chewed it as an after dinner mint. This was the real deal. And, oh my, there was more that we did not know.
- Don’t keep snacks or chewing gum in your pockets, or elsewhere on your person. Bears can smell that even if the snacks are gone. That means candy necklaces are on the no-no list.
- Don’t walk alone at night. Shuffle your feet, make noise.
- Bring a flashlight. Why? So you can smack the bear on the nose with it? See the bear clearly as it charges you?
- Don’t sleep in the clothes you cooked in. Woah, never thought of that. Not a problem for me, I change into jammies or sweats at night. But Momazelle usually crashes in her clothes and changes in the morning. None of that now!
- Lock your food in the car or tie it up a tree. I opted for the car, wasn’t quite sure how to get our food up a tree.
- Don’t use citronella bug spray or candles. Yikes, that was my go to mosquito repellent.
- Don’t wear fruity smelling hair or body products. Holy cow. The thought of being a human fruit roll up is rather unappealing, to put it mildly.
- Bears, when they have a choice, prefer blue tents. My tent is blue of course. We slept in a cabin.
Mother saw a little stream outside the camp that she wanted to explore. She asked the cashier if it was safe to walk there at night. The kid looked at her and managed to keep a straight face. His reply was “jingle your car keys a lot, wear a bear bell, and keep bear spray in your hand.” I asked her if she meant daytime because she said night-time. She laughed and said “oh, I meant day time.” His response was “oh, during the day is no problem.”
I made the command decision that we were not going off-road hiking unescorted or even escorted. I do NOT want to add a confrontation with a grizzly bear to my list of lifetime achievements. Being the eldest of 6, I have an over developed protection instinct. I would have to get in between the bear and mother, so I would most likely end up being the entrée. She would be desert I suppose.
I booked 2 spots on a tour for us for the next day. Did not want to try driving through Yellowstone. There is too much to see. I was going for the ultimate tourist experience from the comfort and safety of a bus and a guide who knew what the hell he was doing. I respect Mother Nature in all her glory – and danger for idiots and city folk.
Who’s running this chicken coop anyway? There are millions of cat owners worldwide who manage to live out their days NOT awash in cat fur and litter trails. There are even some who do not have a cat food shrine in the middle of the den. How did cats survive without exploding in a nuclear cloud of feces before cat litter was foisted upon us? This is a conspiracy in the same magnitude as that of the big pharma.
I see a cat owner gestapo agent stroking his goatee and saying:
“Sooooo, ju vant to have a cat. First you must sign this papah signifying that you vill nevah have a normal life. Ju are now a slave to your cat or any human in your house who vishes to live out their neurosis and fantasy of control through the cat. Your sentence is to live out your natural life, or that of the cat, awash in litter crunching under foot and fuzz balls in your panty drawer. Ju will never again sleep past 5:30 am without the risk of a paw up your nostril or any exposed orifice if you should try such a foolish endeavor!” Shame on you! A curse on your house!
OK I am now going to ask the question of the ages? Why can’t the cat shit outside???? Why is that an unreasonable request? I know it’s possible. I’ve seen other cats do it. Mr. Husband seems to think that this is cat abuse, right up there with putting the cat in the microwave. That’s not possible, he’s too big to fit in there. And no, I haven’t tried….yet. The cat I mean not husband. He has enough intelligence to know that it would not end well and would resist. The cat? It would depend on cat’s mood at that moment.
As soon as I can walk normally, the great cat wars begin. I am reclaiming my home.
This is my manifesto:
- I will not need to vacuum the bed before occupying it.
- I get first dibs on my office chair.
- My clean laundry is not a cat bed.
- Litter box is the back yard, not the great stinking cat cauldron in the hall.
- When I sit down to eat I will continue until I am finished. Not jump back up to tend to the animals. I didn’t sign up to be farm hand!
- I will no longer tolerate having a tail up my nose when I want to read for a while.
Well, there you have it. You may say I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one. I hope some day cat owners will join me. And the world will be a different one.