Alaska has always fascinated me in a morbid frozen sort of way. My desire to visit is tempered by the fact that I’m secretly afraid of getting stranded there. Don’t laugh – it’s possible! Could I do a day trip to Alaska from Texas?
First thing about this vast area that come to mind for me is the price tag. Men accuse women of shopping too much. Well I take umbrage. What if William H. Seward (the guy who negotiated the purchase of Alaska) had been a woman? Can you imagine Madame Seward arriving home one evening with an enormous shopping bag? Husband peers over the top of newspaper and groans, “what did you buy now?” Well she would have to fess up. After all you can’t hide Alaska in the trunk of your car and sneak it into the house the next time he leaves the house. “Well dear, it was on sale, only 7,200,000 million dollars.” I think there is an unspoken dollar amount at which something ceases to be extravagant or even “are you nuts?”, and is therefore renamed “investment.” However, it took 20 years for us to collectively figure out that Alaska was an investment. Can you imagine how many times a couple could argue about that over the span of 20 years?
Wife: What the hell is that $250 monstrosity collecting dust on the coffee table?”
Husband: It’s an air purifier.
Wife: Get real, no amount of machine is going to make up for that fact that there are enough paperback books collecting dust in the bedroom to start a bonfire that would be visible from the moon.
Husband: Well…You bought Alaska!
Can’t top that trump card.
Alaska is humongous, twice the size of Texas. This is disturbing because it conflicts with my belief that since everything is bigger in Texas this means that Alaska can not be bigger than Texas. I know this does not make sense, but this is my fantasy, so don’t inflict a mathematical logic in this. What kind of shoes would you need to live there? Fur lined boots that came up to about the neck would be my first guess. Needing shoes leads to shopping again.. What would one buy in an Alaska you may ask? Well everyone knows that it is just chock full of valuable resources; gold, oil, natural gas, home-brew and souvenirs, and …snow, lots of it.
If you believe anything you see on TV, those Alaskan State troopers are something else. Maybe it’s the uniform. Or the fact that they can fly planes while searching for a moose and not run into anything, chase people on snowmobiles, walk on snow shoes, chop wood, and chase a bad guy through a blizzard at 90 miles an hour, while talking on the radio as calmly as it they were strolling through the park. That kind of stuff impresses me. When they do a road show and come down to Texas I’m all up in that.
Not to put down our own Texas State Troopers, the guys here can definitely hold their own and wear cool hats. Every once in while I see one of those cutie pies on the side of the highway and think maybe I’ll exceed the speed limit by 2 MPH and see what happens. But, I know what would really happen. I would have a heart attack, because I haven’t been pulled over in 20 years. And that was only for a burned out tail light. My husband would have a stroke and immediately start crabbing about how our insurance is going to go through the roof. The worse part is I would NEVER hear the end of it. His family of origin is like that. You don’t make mistakes. It just is not done, period, end of story. And when it happens we don’t talk about except for when the person who made the mistake is not present. They have a saying “well that’s goin’ down in the book” and I used to think they were joking. I’ve never seen the book but I know in my heart it exists somewhere.
That settles it. Until the space or travel industry invents a transporter and can prove that Alaska has backup generator on the other side, I’m staying here in Texas.