Etiquette Questions for the Socially Challenged
- If some guests arrive way early is it OK to tell them to go away and come back later, at least until you get out of bed?
- If a wine label is peeling off the bottle because it’s been in the garage fridge since last year, do you; a) skip the glass and just drink out of the bottle, or b) leave town?
- If a guest calls the night before, when you’re elbow deep in potato skins, and asks you to reschedule your dinner for an hour earlier than planned because it doesn’t fit their schedule do you; a) tell them that you’ll have a plate of giblets and celery sticks set aside for them or b) tell them to F@&# off.
- If someone brings their dog and said dog pees on the sofa leg is it OK to smash a bottle of champagne on the spot and laugh it off with a “hot damn, I was waiting for this party to get started!”?
- If a snotty in-law looks at the center piece, that you made and are rather proud of, and sneers “that looks homemade” can you bitch slap them while still seated at the table, or should you wait until later when there no witnesses?
- If a guest tells you they are allergic to everything you made, but didn’t bother to inform you beforehand do you; a) make them a peanut butter and raw potato sandwich or b) lock them in the coat closet?
- If a guest launches into a political tirade is it OK to lurch to your feet so fast you almost knock over the coffee table and shout “no political crap in MY house today!” and then stomp outside and around the side of the house to smoke a cigarette whilst muttering profanities? (I confess I actually did that)
- If a guest brings their usual nauseating slimey green bean glop casserole do you; a) put it alongside the other food dishes and hope no one thought you made it or, b) suppress your gag reflexes, throw it out the kitchen window and yell “Yee haw, touch down! Now that’s what I’m talkin’ about!”?
Just thought I’d ask, because these are pressing questions and I want to make sure I get right next time. 🙂
Well a good time was had by all this Thanksgiving day. It was a strange and wonderful day here in New Orleans, as it always is. Mom rocked the cooking for 2 days straight. About 3ish yesterday the Turkey was ready. And a fine bird it was. Much beer and wine was consumed during the interim, of course. When it was time to carve the turkey we discovered that the elected carver had taken ill to his bed. We were instructed to go ahead without him.
We soldiered on, trying first one knife and then another. At one point the hostess announced that she didn’t want the person who cooked the turkey to come anywhere near said turkey. The bird should rest a bit longer. I thought to myself that if it rested any longer we would need to put a lily on its breast and carry it with much ceremony to the nearest cemetery. Someone else blurted “oh just never mind.” Not wanting to be a rude and pushy guest I held my tongue until that point. I pointed out that we could not never mind the turkey because there were hungry people in the house and more coming.
I stepped in and give it a try. This particular turkey and the knives available did not get along well. The result was a sort of pulled turkey melange. I pulled off chunks and cut them on the plate which worked a little better. Then the feasting began. The turkey was fabulous and cooked to perfection. We ate and ate and ate some more. Turkey, mashed potatoes, giblet gravy, baby peas, stuffed celery, cocktail onions, fruit salad, and pies of all varieties.
We then discussed the pros and cons of pickled beets. Some people love them, Mother included. I think they are revolting and should be banned in any civilized country. But, I try to live peaceably with them as long as I don’t mistake them for Cranberry sauce. I did one year and almost had to be sedated to survive the experience.
As the day and evening progressed various beloved friends stopped by. My sister the gracious hostess and her husband allow smoking in the kitchen. And so it ended up standing room only in there with an occasional overflow into the hall and out the back door. A lively discussion about any and all persons who were not there went on for hours.
Around 9 in the evening a mass exodus occurred. Those who had vehicles removing those who did not in the process. The grand exit knocked over a potted palm in the final stages of good byes, hastening the departure a bit. I drove my mother home and got lost a little on the way back, but it’s all good.
It was a wonderful day. I just have to write about it or I will forget. Like to get things documented while there are fresh in my mind. Hope everyone had a memorable Thanksgiving Day. Cheers.