Tag Archives: fear of future

Stuck Between Dimensions

Salvidor Dali -In the Fourth Dimension

Salvidor Dali -In the Fourth Dimension

Felt weird and uncertain the last few days. Sometimes stuck between dimensions. Other times, panic like I have one foot on the dock and one foot in the boat and it’s starts to drift away from shore. If I don’t jump one way or the other soon I’m going to rip my pants and end up in the water. Doubts and fears are raising their ugly heads.  “You are going to turn into a couch potato, you won’t do anything you planned.You’ll end up being a greeter at Wal-Mart (where did that come from?)

The past few days I haven’t had much to say. My husband will probably claim other wise, but nothing I felt like sharing because it was too nebulous to put into words.  I’m paralyzed because the brain is working overtime. I say the brain instead of  my brain because it took off running without me, like a horse that takes the bit in its teeth.  It will be interesting to see what comes out of it.

Last week and this week, did a work 3 days and off 4 days schedule to ease myself into a new lifestyle. It sounded like a good idea at the time but it is enhancing the “stuck between to worlds” feeling. So far, for the first 2 days I perform a good impersonation of a 2 toed sloth. Watched 3 seasons of the Big Bang series, back to back.  Then on Sundays, I wander around bumping into walls thinking I should be doing something, but what? All of this with a vague uneasy feeling that someone is going to yell at me for not doing something I “should” have done or forgot to do. Then Monday, the entire day is consumed with the dreaded return to work on Tuesday and watching the clock to make sure I go to bed early.

While all this waking confusion is happening, my dream world is off  the charts. Since I loosened the reigns on the “what if,” my brain kicked into high gear.  I dreamed an entire movie last night. Not a movie I’ve seen, although there may have been scenes borrowed, but the plot unfolded in the dream. I watched from the perspective of someone involved in its creation. Even had a name for it, but I can’t remember what it was.

To say this is exhausting is an understatement.  But it’s a good kind of exhaustion. I’m working hard, I just have to endure the indignities of this not being visible to anyone looking at me for the time being.

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