Tag Archives: Girdle

I Purchased a Girdle – Call CNN!

Circa 1960’s

Wear a girdle? What? My knee jerk reaction is usually just say “NO.” But I bought a fancy highbrow floor length cocktail gown to wear to a wedding. I love the dress but when I put it on without proper foundation garments I felt like a potato sack sprayed with glitter, so off to the ladies lingerie department I went.

They don’t call them girdles anymore, they’re called Spanxs. Sounds rather sinful, but it’s better than the former name. It has a padded booty and the whole nine yards. I was cracking up laughing when cramming myself into it in the dressing room. Sort of like trying put on an octopus that was fighting back, but once finished I thought “hey, this just might work!”

Then we move on to the bosom department. They don’t have bras designed for women with actual bossomage who plan to wear plunging necklines anymore. They used to make them, I swear, I owned one. Turns out you have to buy this sort of slithery gooey silicon bra thingy that you literally glue on to your boobs. This is going to be interesting.

What if one of them pops off at the reception and puts the eye out of whoever is seated across the table? What if they get stuck and won’t come off when I’m finished with them? Will I have to go to the emergency room to have them removed? Or wear them for the rest of my life? I’ve heard that women swear by them, but I have my doubts. We shall see. (Update: I tried them on. It was like trying to stuff water balloons into a teacup) However, it’s better than nothing or erupting out of my bodice if leaning too far over the party platter. Although that would make an interesting conversation starter.

If all goes wrong and my undergarments go totally awry, my plan B is to get so tipsy at the reception that I either don’t care what I look like or Mr. Husband decides that it’s time to put me to bed for the night -whatever works.

Perhaps I should arrange for a film crew in case I’m passed out cold and Mr. Husband tries to get the girdle, I mean Spanxs, off me without my assistance. I’m sure it would go viral on YouTube. Hmm…maybe not. They say everyone gets their 15 minutes of fame but I don’t think that’s how I want it. I guess he could just hang me in the closet and cut it off. I seriously doubt I will ever wear it again.

Dressing up can be rather stressful. Sometimes I understand why many people gave up on it all together. But it’s also a lot of fun when you get yourself all pulled together and feel like a million bucks. Yowza!

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