I know that God won’t give me more than I can handle. I just wish he didn’t trust me so much. Mother Teresa
If children are a gift from God…why does is sometimes feel like a curse? I woke up last night doubled over in pain with some kind of spasm in my innards. As I writhed around in pain thinking “oh crap, please tell me that I don’t have to go to the emergency room again” it suddenly occurred to me that it was because I still worry about my daughter even though I’ve told myself I’ve given her back to God.
The second as I realized that the pain vanished and I went back to sleep. I felt like yanking back the cosmic curtain and snarling “OK God, you do know I can hear you laughing, since you’re omnipotent and all that, right? I know there is supposed to be something I need to learn here, but could you point me in the right direction, or tell me if I’m hot or cold?”
Maybe the rope burn on my hands is a sign that I haven’t let go…enough…yet. Bleh!
This morning I’m walking around laughing at myself and suddenly the phrase “tough old bird” came to mind. I’ve always wondering what it would feel like to be a bird and fly free and now I realize I am a bird and I can fly free, if I let go of the things that are tying me to the ground. I’m a tough old bird who has seen and heard about almost every stupid self-destructive thing that a person a can do. There isn’t much that anyone can do that surprises me anymore. I may be annoyed, disturbed, elated, disgusted, frustrated, or over joyed, but surprise usually doesn’t come into the picture. Usually my main reaction is a deep sigh and “geez, not again.” God can still surprise me, but people? Not so much.
I told my sister that I had a long talk with the Big Guy upstairs and told him, “Hey, you sent her and now I’m sending her back! I’ve been at this for 42 years now, and I’ve had all the fun I can have, thank you very much.” She cracked up laughing and said “I can’t believe you said that.” But that’s how I feel. I can only take so much before I throw up my hands and cry “Uncle, I give up.” If professional wrestlers and fighters can tap out and stop a match, well then why oh why can’t I?
Sometimes I get in a snit when I hear people saying “wow he/she is really lucky…all I get is bad luck, waa, waa, waaaaaa” Well just cry me a river why don’t ya? In my opinion luck has nothing to do with it. I prefer to think of it as serendipity – the ability to be in the right place at the right time, in the right frame of mind.
I get rather offended when someone is bemoaning their lot in life and telling me how lucky I am. I beg your pardon. I didn’t just “get lucky” and stumble into my life. I earned it! My life is a result of the choices I make on a daily basis. I got a job at 16 and kept it and all succeeding jobs by showing up and doing an honest day’s work for the next 40 years. I put in the effort, I did the time, I worked hard to provide for myself and my children and did not become a burden on society. I tried to be a forthright person, a good wife, a good friend, a loving daughter and sought to constantly improve myself. I got out there, took risks, and reached for that brass ring, and after enough tries I got it. I didn’t give up after the first failure.
I’m a reasonably attractive, intelligent, honest woman. As a result I had a lot of options ever the years when it comes to choosing a mate. I made huge mistakes and paid the price for it many times over. I’ve chosen poorly with mean violent men, lazy men, dishonest men, drunkards, and all around dumb asses in every sense of the word. I finally came to my senses in this department and chose an honest, good hearted man, with a profound sense of personal integrity. I reap the rewards of this choice everyday when I look at darling husband and know that he loves, cherishes and respects me.
There is a movie called “Liar, Liar” starring Jim Carrey. He is a criminal defense attorney and a consummate liar. As a result his young son wishes, when he blows out his birthday candles, that his dad would not be able to tell a lie for one whole day.
That’s a little difficult to do when you are trying to defend criminals. One scene that really cracks me up is when his secretary tells him that one of his clients is line one. He’s done something illegal again and needs advice from his attorney. Jim, unable to tell a lie, snatches up the phone and yells, “Stop breaking the law, Asshole!!!” and then slams down the phone. Now that is good advice. Every time I see that I almost roll in the floor laughing. For a lot of people it really is just that simple. Duh, don’t break the law. Duh, don’t do wrong things. Duh, don’t steal from others, Duh, don’t run around shooting and killing people, Duh, don’t use and sell illegal drugs, Duh, don’t run around acting ike a complete slut puppy, etc.
There is a quote that I love and I don’t know who said it but here it is; “There is a reason that God gave us the Ten Commandments, not the ten suggestions.” No good ever comes from breaking any of these commandments. Of course the big 10 is a Christian way of putting it, but just about every religion has some version of this theory. Even atheists refer to things like Karma, and “what does around comes around.”
I’ve been rather mute the last few days because I’ve been glued to the television staring in shock and horror as this whole Boston bombing thing unfolds. I finally managed to unplug from it a little, but not completely. The same way I did when 9/11 happened. Sitting here weeping and wringing my hands is not solving anything and it just gets me worked up into froth of rage, confusion and sorrow.
This morning I was reading comments on the CNN blog page and one caught my attention. One poster said “…Freedom of Religion does NOT give religious institutions the right to preach hatred & intolerance.” I think I have to agree with this person. It’s similar to the conundrum of – does freedom of speech give one the right to yell “FIRE” in a crowded theater, causing people to get trampled to death in the ensuing panic?
I keep staring at the picture of this young boy, the surviving brother. He looks so innocent that it brings tears to my eyes. I know you can’t tell just by looking at someone what they are capable of doing, but I can’t help but wonder – what happened? He could easily have been any young boy I know and love, a son, a nephew, a grandson, the child of a friend. Young men and boys are so incredibly gullible. Ask anyone who knows one and they know this is true. Who or what turned this boy into a killing machine?
I am not in any way defending him, or forgiving or condoning his actions. He will have to stand and face the consequences of his actions no matter how misguided they were – before country and his God, whoever that may be. But I am still bereft of understanding. What brought this boy to these unspeakable actions? I can’t or perhaps do not want to logically believe that uninfluenced he would have committed these heinous acts.
Another thing that totally flummoxes me is why, if America is such a horrible, heathen, decadent country, do millions of people risk everything including their lives to come here? We shelter everyone here and many of us do not even have a say in that. This boy’s family came here for political asylum. Unfortunately, they did not come here for religious asylum. We take our freedom seriously here in the U.S. and based on that we inadvertently harbor, succor and educate some of the very people who hate us and want us dead.
So about this boy and his legacy; it makes me stop and think, what are we teaching our children? I think our overzealous quest for religious freedom in the U.S. has put blinders on teaching our children the basics. Many schools do not have anything in the curriculum that addresses morality or ethics – right vs. wrong. The only place our children may hear this at all is on their parent’s knee.
We’ve dropped the ball here. I don’t think teaching children to respect the rights of others, to exercise tolerance, to do onto others as you would have them do unto you, to not be the first one to throw the stone, is a religious issue at all. It’s a human issue. We have never needed this more than we need it right now. We need to step up to the plate and seriously teach our children our beliefs in our schools, churches, and at the dinner table. If we do not we create a vacuum and get left in the dust by those who do pass on their own “religious” beliefs of hatred and intolerance.
I woke up early because of some annoying racket and did something stupid so I’ve decided to wax philosophical to make up for it. I determined that our cat was batting at our door demanding that we get up and feed him, water him, stroke his royal fur, or whatever his highness’s desire happens to be.
We have, by the way, the noisiest cat ever to roam the earth. Living with a nervous Rottweiler would be more peaceful. I burst out the door and swatted at him with my house slipper determined to have some quiet. He ran away to hide and that’s when I realized that he wasn’t making the noise.
Feeling a little guilty, I crawled under the coffee table to apologize to the cat and not knowing what else to do I staggered into the kitchen to make coffee. Waiting for it to brew I looked out the kitchen window and saw 8 to 10 guys walking around in the trees. Closer inspection revealed that they were walking around on the roof of the house across the alley replacing the entire roof. What an unholy racket. If we ever have our roof redone I’m leaving town for the duration.
Drinking coffee my I started thinking about the people who are in the “positive reinforcement only, never yell, scold or punish” theory of raising children, pets, or dealing with adult humans. It’s a good theory but doesn’t always work in the wild. If you see the your child or pet has toddled into the street do you yell at them to get their butt out of the street this very minute or run in the house to find a treat to lure them out of the street? I tend to be in the yell first and cuddle later camp. Maybe I was Genghis Khan in another life, who knows?
Then I thought back to the 50 gallon fish tank I had years ago. It was supposed to be a community tank where all the little fishes love each other and get along. You have to do a lot of research to figure out which fish get along in community tanks without eating their neighbor’s children or biting their fins off. Some fish like to hang at the top of the tank and others prefer to hang out on the bottom, some in the middle, etc.
It worked out fine until I made the mistake of putting an angel fish in the tank. This damn fish was pretty, but what a bully. He constantly roamed the tank chasing the other fish, loved to nip the fins of the fantail guppies and just in general causing a ruckus in the formerly peaceful community. I asked some experts and was told that I may need to isolate him from the community tank. So now I’m supposed to put a fish in jail?
One day I got exasperated and stuck my hand in the tank and touched the angel fish with my finger and chased him all around the tank wiggling my fingers. He stopped terrorizing the other fish. That seemed to work for about a week and then he started up the bully tactics again so I chased him around the tank with my hand again. He stopped again. About a week later I came in one morning and he was on the floor dead. He jumped out of the tank and committed fishy suicide.
I was horrified and heartbroken. What kind of fiend drives a fish crazy? One like me, evidently. I started the whole thing by trying to force the fish to live in a community tank after being warned he was a predator. I thought, in my omnipotence, that I could make it work. Later that week I was having drinks on my balcony with a friend and told her the sad tale. She burst out laughing and spit my fine boxed wine all over the patio furniture. I asked her what was so damned funny. She finally managed to gasp between gales of laughter, “only you would try to spank a fish!” I beg your pardon.
Well she kept laughing and after thinking about it I started wondering what would happen if the giant hand of God came down and tried to stop with me from doing what I wanted to do. Hey, wait a minute, I’ve read about that in the bible. Look what happened when God tries to force his humans into behaving like humans. All those floods, plaques, rivers of blood, lightning bolts, pillars of fire; people freaked the hell out, that’s what happens. And the resulting forced change is always temporary. It’s no wonder he threw up his hands and declared that we have free will.
This diatribe started out as an email reply to my sister’s previous communique to me and ended up being a blog post. It started out with stuff that’s between me and sister, and ain’t nobody’s business but ours. But it turned into a rant and rants are one of my specialties. My other specialties are strawberry shortcake and long-winded short stories.
I received an email from a friend who expressed concern after reading my blog and went on to say that I sounded depressed and angry. My first thought was “oh, so now you’re going to fricking psychoanalyze me through my blog????” It really blew the lid off the pot and got me going. If one could somehow harness anger as a power source, North Texas would have a free month of electricity thanks to me.
After a long session of stewing and muttering it came to me. He’s right and Hell ya, I’m depressed and angry. So much in fact that I feel stripped naked and standing on a hill-top in all my furious glory with flames shooting out of my head.Actually the depression stems from frustration due to the inability to adequately express as much anger as I have at the moment without committing some act that would get me on the news. Dealing with Hubman’s mother is becoming an ongoing night mare. I feel like I died and went to Mother in Law hell.
I’m also boiling mad at the medical profession. Her doctor informed her that HE preferred to treat teeny-weeny pre-cancerous lumps conservatively and follow-up surgery with a round of radiation therapy. It should be against the law to call anything as violent as blasting someone with Xrays therapy. This means zapping her chest with radiation 5 days a week for 6 weeks. He did not even bother to tell her options and ask her what her preference was. To me it sounds like he’s treating her breast as if it was some kind of recalcitrant growth not attached to her body. And so now he’s gonna just blast the living shit out of it. Back to the stone age or further back if possible. Can’t have any slip ups on HIS statistics, no sireeee.
So again, Hell yes, I’m angry. I’m pissed at the way doctors think they are God just because they took a few years of Human mechanics classes and I’m pissed at the people who go along with this delusion. So yea, in case I haven’t clearly spelled it out I’M ANGRY. A raging, boiling hot lava, old wet hen, white-hot, nuclear explosion, fire first and ask questions later type of angry. PS: I’m also angry at God.
Other than that everything is fine 🙂 And thank you for listening.