Tag Archives: resume

Does Loving Trees Count as a Job Skill?

mechanical-people

Image by HikingArtist.com via Flickr

Job Resume: Jane Doe, Texas, Earth.

MARITAL STATUS: Often. Children: Various. Because I am married, I require prescription drugs. Extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don’t let them know of my immediate availability.

QUALIFICATIONS: I am filled with passion, creativity, and integrity, and can act on short notice. I’m a class act and do not come cheap. Have intentionally omitted salary history. I’ve made money and lost money. I’ve been rich and I’ve been poor. I prefer being rich.

REASONS FOR LEAVING LAST POSITION: Responsibility makes me nervous. They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Could not work under those conditions. Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches.

JOB RESPONSIBILITIES: While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it is so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility. Developed and recommended an annual operating expense fudget. I’m a rabid typist. Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation. Able to operate both manual and electric staplers.

Will Work For Shoes

SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES: Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job. My goal is to be a meteorologist. However, since I have no training in meteorology,  will settle for stock brokerage. I procrastinate – especially when the task is unpleasant.

PHYSICAL DISABILITIES: Minor allergies to house cats, Mongolian sheep, and meetings lasting longer than 15 minutes.

PERSONAL INTERESTS: Writing vignettes about life in ancient Mesopotamia, Donating blood, 14 gallons so far. Evaluation the contents of shopping carts in the grocery store.

Education: Harvard University, University of Massachusetts at Boston

Ideas adapted from Resumania

%d bloggers like this: