Now that summer is upon us, I’ve decided to pontificate on one particular item of hot weather apparel that should be banned by all laws in this galaxy.
Attention gentlemen everywhere. I don’t care who you are. Or who you think you are. You do not look good in a Speedo. Yes, this means you! If you are built like a Greek god, you look much better in the nude. If you are not built like a Greek god, a little strip of spandex does not rectify the lack thereof.
I’ve been a woman for almost 57 years now. Sure, I’ve been to nude beaches back in the day. Back when I felt confident enough to go commando. Getting sand in your nether ya-ya is much worse than sand in your suit, just for the record. But oh, the sense of freedom. I went through and saw the hot pants phase, the cut offs so short the pockets hung out the bottom and every other phase of skimpy clothing possible. Trust me now men, like you’ve never trusted any woman before. The banana hammock is NOT A GOOD LOOK FOR YOU! Any woman I’ve talked to in the last half century agrees with me, like it or not fellas. This is the straight scoop, right here, right now.
Don’t get sucked into the movie and TV fictional version of hot guys. If you head in my direction with what looks like a ferret hiding out in your pants…I’m heading in another direction. If you think we don’t notice, you are way wrong. But we don’t notice in a good way. And don’t let anyone fool you with the “woman are not as visually oriented as men are.” Bullshyte!
Visuals are important to us women – extremely, incredibly important. Just in a different way than for men. Take for example Nathan Fillion’s hiney depicted to the left here. Ooo la la. But he’s not heading down the beach towards me. What the visual image of a man with nothing left to the imagination is: here comes a punk who wants to let Mr. Ferret come out to play, immediately, if not sooner. He doesn’t give a hoot about me, I’m just another hole in a donut.
That’s it, that’s all she wrote. So maybe that’s true and I guess there is technically nothing wrong with that. More power to ya. However, if you are a guy who is female companion hunting, put on some shorts and try a little discreet conversation first. That will be a helluva lot easier if you don’t approach a herd of girlies with your weapon of doom leading the parade.
Disclaimer: If you are an Olympic swimmer or something like that then a Speedo is appropriate. That’s what they are designed for, to swim fast at the Olympic pool. They don’t belong at Cabo San Lucas, the beach nearest your house, your front yard, or the Holiday Inn.