Wear a girdle? What? My knee jerk reaction is usually just say “NO.” But I bought a fancy highbrow floor length cocktail gown to wear to a wedding. I love the dress but when I put it on without proper foundation garments I felt like a potato sack sprayed with glitter, so off to the ladies lingerie department I went.
They don’t call them girdles anymore, they’re called Spanxs. Sounds rather sinful, but it’s better than the former name. It has a padded booty and the whole nine yards. I was cracking up laughing when cramming myself into it in the dressing room. Sort of like trying put on an octopus that was fighting back, but once finished I thought “hey, this just might work!”
Then we move on to the bosom department. They don’t have bras designed for women with actual bossomage who plan to wear plunging necklines anymore. They used to make them, I swear, I owned one. Turns out you have to buy this sort of slithery gooey silicon bra thingy that you literally glue on to your boobs. This is going to be interesting.
What if one of them pops off at the reception and puts the eye out of whoever is seated across the table? What if they get stuck and won’t come off when I’m finished with them? Will I have to go to the emergency room to have them removed? Or wear them for the rest of my life? I’ve heard that women swear by them, but I have my doubts. We shall see. (Update: I tried them on. It was like trying to stuff water balloons into a teacup) However, it’s better than nothing or erupting out of my bodice if leaning too far over the party platter. Although that would make an interesting conversation starter.
If all goes wrong and my undergarments go totally awry, my plan B is to get so tipsy at the reception that I either don’t care what I look like or Mr. Husband decides that it’s time to put me to bed for the night -whatever works.
Perhaps I should arrange for a film crew in case I’m passed out cold and Mr. Husband tries to get the girdle, I mean Spanxs, off me without my assistance. I’m sure it would go viral on YouTube. Hmm…maybe not. They say everyone gets their 15 minutes of fame but I don’t think that’s how I want it. I guess he could just hang me in the closet and cut it off. I seriously doubt I will ever wear it again.
Dressing up can be rather stressful. Sometimes I understand why many people gave up on it all together. But it’s also a lot of fun when you get yourself all pulled together and feel like a million bucks. Yowza!
To Bra or Not to Bra, That is the Question.
Whether it is nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of mature breasts. Or to take arms against a sea of uncomfortable brassieres, and by opposing end them?
Who invented corsets anyway? Who ever did, if they were still alive, should be shot at dawn after much ceremony. Think about it. One person, or small group of people, is responsible for the suffering of billions of women. People have done 30 days in the hole for a lot less.
The founder of the modern brassiere was Mary Phelps Jacob. She used 2 silk handkerchiefs and a ribbon because she didn’t want to wear a corset to a party. Can you blame her? It was a step in the right direction.
Mary would be rolling over in her grave if she saw the bras of today. She would return to her grave if she had to wear one! Are these hideous contraptions ever tried on a living breathing female before released on the market? I don’t care how much lace and cute little flowers you attach to a barbed wire fence. It’s still barb-wire.
Got suckered yet again recently and bought a cami-bra. According the sales woman this was part bra part camisole. The greatest invention since sliced bread, intended to cover your naughtiness should you lean forward near a poor unsuspecting male of the species.
And soooo comfortable. All this said with a straight face. This lady missed her calling as a world-class poker player. My newly acquired instrument of torture had daggers concealed in the seams, I swear! I bent forward for something and got jabbed in the armpit so brutally that I gasped from pain. It went in the trash as soon as I got home.
I am convinced that the only reason women are not ruling the world at this very moment is because they are constantly fiddling with their bra. Or out shopping for one that is comfortable. Oh wait, we are running the world. Well, my theories are not always rational.
OK, I know I am decades past the whole “burn your bra” movement, but I was a teeny bopper at that time. Didn’t need to wear one and didn’t, but no one noticed…then.
Going bra-less was fine when my bosoms where positioned correctly. Today is a different story. Despite all the lies told to me, they have headed south, as nature intended. “Oh girl, you should wear a bra at all times or your breasts will be down to your knees when you are 50.” HA! I’m 56 and they are not, but whatever.
Riddle me this. No one convinced men that they should were a jock strap 24/7 or their twins would be down at their knees. Or maybe they believed, but didn’t care. A more likely story.